Her face was different in a sort of way that looked lifeless. The twinkle in her eyes dimmed and she seemed frail and cold. I hugged her and held her wanting to make it all better. She cried, shook and trembled with grief. She said, "I am sorry." I laughed, awkwardly, and hugged her again. Her grief reeked of agony and pain only a daughter might choose. She said, "I have not seen her since 2002, she never met my son, and now she is gone, really gone, gone for good." I held while she sobbed and told the story of how her mother passed away. Living in Iran with her husband in a small town they shared a house with family. Her back was hurting as it often did, so they walked to hospital for a check up and possible remedy for the pain. The Dr. suggested a specific medicine and she said ,"I am allergic to some medicine." The Dr. convinced her that it was different medicine. They said, "Okay if it will work, we want it." The Dr. injected the medicine, she coughed and died within 30 seconds. I listened feeling pain, sorrow, death in my heart. The family had two services one in Southern California and one in Iran. This seemed to accommodate all the family. My friend continued to grief and seemed to have no concern about the details of how she died just that she was not here. I reminded her, that now she is here, here in this moment. Her lips turned down, eyes tearing and my words failed me so. In these situation I always wonder, " What would I want now and here in this tumultuous time?" Not sure, I felt helpless and lifeless myself . I told her, "NOW, you get to have a different kind of relationship with your mom and now you will be with your mom always and can let go of the guilt of not visiting and not calling as much as you wanted too. because she is with you." I said, " My mother and I have had the best relationship ever, the past 5 years and I have memories of she and I doing everything together." My mother has joined me in hiking, biking, boarding, walking, shoeing, riding, traveling, singing, mountaining, oceaning, and rivering and wow, I never thought we would do all of these things together. I love that she is so silent about it all. She just goes along for the ride, is peaceful, happy and clear. I told my friend, "How when I received my Moms ashes, I felt weird about having them about and my brother told t me to make sure, that whatever I do I give the container air, because mom does not like airless spaces." So I placed the ashes in a chicken near the altar, without a lid, and up high near the bell and Buddha. I continued with more of the ashes story and my friend looked at me with square eyes. Shortly after I received the ashes I placed some in a ziploc and toted them along for a day snowboarding. When I got to the spot I wanted to share with my mom I opened the ziploc and sprinkled the ashes about. I zipped the bag and placed it back in my parka. The bag remained in my parka for two winter seasons. I eventually laundered my coat. Recently I was on a snowy, wet, cold chairlift and reached into the pocket where I had placed my phone. What I pulled out was my phone covered in white , wet, gritty, sandy , clay like goop. I could not figure out what it was that caked my phone. I reached deeper and pulled out the bag and realized it was my mother, in my pocket. My friend laughed at this story and I laughed too which is better than how I felt when I realized my Mother was basically in my phone, small bones and all, it was really interesting. We stood, laughed, talked some more and soon the twinkle was there, just a little. We hugged, again and again, both said, "I love you," and she was off. I wondered if I ever took that bag out of my parka.
